Tonight I’m in pure SELFISH MODE. It’s been a rough week. I’ve switched C’s medicine again, I’ve switched Carlee’s formula again, my dear friend called me with some difficult news about her health, and I’m working on a Sunday School lesson that I've signed up to teach tomorrow. The lesson is all about protecting yourself with the armor of God (Ephesians) 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
I’m reading, writing, and looking up different scriptures at nearly 10:00 at night frustrated and ticked beyond belief. One may ask, why are you frustrated and ticked off? Because I’ve had my Bible and my study books out since 9:00am and still haven’t been given the chance to complete the lesson. The whole lesson is about the shoes of PEACE (you know the opposite of chaos, anxiety, and worry). Like I need to be teaching about peace. Please. The whole time I questioned everything I wrote. This is CRAP!! This is all Crap. I’ve looked up twenty scriptures that speak God is peace and grace. The problem is my definitions of God’s peace and my peace are two totally different things. And I’m feeling sinful and full of questions because peace is nowhere in sight. Tonight I’m feeling sorry for myself. I say to God, why even allow me to be a mother if I can’t do it….because believe me I’m not doing it right. Why else would my son have a bruise on his back because he flipped off the back of the couch and I know will try a double flip tomorrow when I'm not looking. Why else does Carlee scream ALLLLL day long. Do you know what a screaming baby will do to your sanity!?! Just ask my husband, he will tell you who gets the brute of my emotions.
And so here I am tonight feeling like a complete and total failure. I’m crying, I’m upset, and I’ve depleted the ice cream reserve (and I think Darren is hiding). You know where the worst place to go when you feel bad…Facebook. Oh yes, I went to Facebook where everyone has happy, wonderful, well behaved darlings who adore their parents and line up like Von Trapp children and sing in unison. I have not learned my lesson with Facebook. I guess I think someone will post "I haven't changed underwear in five days because my crazy kids won't give me the time" and then I will feel better! :)
And I’m asking God why can’t I be happy and perfect or just have a shirt that fits right now?
I'm smart enough to know that no one is perfect, I know I should count my Blessings at having the most beautiful and healthy children, and I know there are not many mothers in the world who can go to sleep tonight knowing they have more than enough food and shelter for their children, and I know I love my babies that I prayed and asked God for…… butttttttttttttt I’m in selfish mode and I’m being honest about how I feel right now. So don't bother telling me how good of a mother I am because I want to have my selfish moment right now.
My resolve has been broken because all I can think about is how I feel, the island I’m on, that no one understands, that I just want to enjoy my kids for a change, that I want to go for a run (Ok NOT really but I want the chance if I change my mind), I want a shirt that doesn’t look like it starred in the Exorcist projectile vomiting scene, I want to walk without stepping on a rubber snake, I want to find my car keys based on memory not based on where I haven’t looked yet, I want to Google George Clooney instead of ‘why is my baby crying all day’………. and maybe in twenty years I will want all of those things to return. But I SERIOUSLY doubt it (remember selfish mode).
So yes, I confess, I’m mad at God whom I know could help me in an instant. He won’t even give me time to get this lesson done (maybe I shouldn't have read 50 Shades of Grey instead of my Sunday school lesson this week, to my credit I didn't finish it) but remember I’m in selfish mode, so boo hoo me. I know He could make my life as easy as pie. Yes, that’s what I want today. Easy life, Easy Pie. I find myself making deals.
Dear God, its not Margaret, it’s me again… could you please let my baby sleep for thirty minutes and I’ll sing in the choir Sunday and try to sound good, I’ll clean church bathrooms, I’ll go to the business meetings on time…. I swear God just give me thirty minutes.
I’m pathetic but I’m also tired and desperate.
This is the thing, even in selfish mode I know God isn't a wish master, but He is listening with kindness, love, and gentle patience. More than I deserve. He is forgiving me for my weak behavior. He is shaking his head because I’m not getting the bigger picture. God is always preparing all of us; even baby Carlee, for something bigger. He gives me the message that the peace of God is so opposite to the natural way of responding to life’s trials. The lesson shares with me that God offers us “a peace that reaches beyond what we can understand or comprehend. When we receive and walk in peace, it settles in as a guard over our hearts and minds.” God’s peace produces praise when a family member loses their job, peace that restores hope in the face of a friend's failing health, peace when you feel like a complete and total failure, when you have doubts, when you have fears, peace that goes beyond circumstances. There is peace in God. It never wavers.
I don’t have to feel guilty for my hissy fit. I have enough of that. I am forgiven... I am working at Godly peace...my kids are asleep...I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow God, thanks for being so GOOD.