Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Pretty as a $300.00 Picture

This week I was searching in my closets for a book, and I ran across three hysterical pictures of myself.  The theme of this week seems to be money (or the lack of it) at my house, so it was funny that these pictures reminded me of the worst financial decision I had ever made in my life.  
When I was around 18 or 19, I was solely responsible for my own money management, bills, and decisions.  I learned a lot about spending.  The first check I ever earned, I couldn't wait to spend it on me.  I wanted to get Glamour Shots photos.  (It was a lifelong dream.)

I remembered being so excited about my appointment because I had wanted to have these "glamour" pictures taken since I was ten years old.  I was expecting to be treated like a fashion "glamour" model.  Instead, I was treated like the girl that I was- a sucker.
It ended up being a terrible experience.  I looked like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie- and this was around 1999 not 1985. 

The makeup and hair looked so bad to me then, and I still remember the woman trying to convince me to wear a sparkly bra with a denim vest.  After the terrible pictures were taken, this wicked woman told me the "package deal" would be $300.00!!  That was my whole check.  
I thought that was the cost.  I had no idea I could get a cheaper package.  I thought I had to pay or go to jail.  
I did not know of such things, and I was totally scammed.
I cried all the way home, with about 500 "glamour" pictures in the back seat, wondering how I was going to pay my bills.
A terrible lesson I learned that day.
I guess it serves me right for trying to spend money on pictures of myself.
(I can't make this stuff up.)

So here is the reveal (warning embarrassment ahead).  I think there were other poses of me with a cowboy hat and a high ponytail, but I may have burned those poses.

$300.00 Pose #1:
The Tango
It could be worse, they could have made me pose with the rose between my teeth with my gold gloves clapping above my head.
This is totally natural.  I have a ton of gold, star covered, sheer wraps in my closet right now.
To be fair- the hairspray probably cost about $250.00 in order to hold that helmet.  I look like I could walk onto the set of Grease.

$300.00 Pose #2:
The Gunsmoke
I look like Miss Kitty getting ready to walk into the saloon, slam a tune down on the piano with one hand, and guzzle a pint in another.  I'm not sure why the pearls are backwards, but I do remember that the gaudy clip-on earrings hurt like heck.  My bangs looked like they were styled with the barrel of a gun from gunsmoke.

$300.00 Pose #3:
Pretty Woman
as in the street walker.
I guess caked on makeup (purple eyeliner), purple fur, and a glitter, (plastic) halter could be classy with those backwards pearls, but without pearls it screams $19.95 massage at Vegas.

I hope you got my ($300.00) money's worth with these Glamorous Photos.
My first and last debut of being a starving model.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Week in Review- The Broke Version

Currently my status is pretty depressing.  
Darren's car broke down with Connor yesterday (BIG thanks to a church family who was behind them, because they both got home safely with Taco Bell bags in tow), and this isn't even the vehicle making dinosaur noises! 
As if that wasn't fun enough, today my oven bit the proverbial pizza dust!
THEN,  Connor's retainer came out (thanks to scooby doo snacks). 

 Now we are trying to figure out how to get to the dentist, and how Darren is going to travel to work, and how to meet the repairman/ carman in the morning (with one car).
(Actually, I am just eating cookies nervously while Darren figures it out.)
Further, I am praying like Moses that Carlee is acting like a diva for FUN and not because she has an ear infection. 

 She did calm down after a few rounds of this:

and a few tunes from this:

So I think she is going to be ok after all.
I am not even going to think about the bills for these things (la la la, I'm not thinking about it).
I went to the grocery store for the family tonight.  Darren sent me with the calculator and a budget, except I kept forgetting to add what I put in the cart.  No problem- I 'guess'timated everything, and of course went 20 over budget.  I didn't think that was too bad, but I guess that defeats the purpose of a budget. 

Darren said he wished we were born rich instead of so good lookin'.  :)

To pick up my spirits tonight I created a video of my sweet Carlee.
That booger will not talk no matter how hard I try (books, ipad, games), she just prefers to hum/sing tunes all day.
(Maybe music will be her God given gift?)

This video did a few things for me-
1.  made me smile 
2.   realized I can put this girl to work
3.  thought- maybe we can be on Toddler's and Tiaras (move over Honey Boo Boo)!

Three Words-
What in the World?
(wait, that is four words, see how bad I am with 'guess'timating?)
I have it figured out - we can perform as a family like The Partridge Family!!!
I think it could work!


I will keep working on some BRILLIANT money making ideas that doesn't involve an illegal lab and gas masks.

Until then, here is my week in review-

My talented neighbor sent us down some beautiful vegetables from her garden.
R. will you feed us all week?  

Speaking of budget-
Connor and I can't resist the quarter machines. 
I know. I know. It's junk!
But we did score....


A Spongebob ball (that we have already lost), a beautiful blue teddy (plastic) bear ring, and a gold cross that would make Elvis proud, that has only broke twice since we got it.
All for 1.25! (DEAL).

Catching Fire Flies 


A big, huge GUMMIE snake!
I said NO, 
but it was fun to imagine the possibilities.

Mini Slide for the
Mini Girl

Lake Trip Gone Bad

Connor LOVED it.  
He made friends with some boys and had a blast.


not so much.

Have you ever met a child that HATED, HATED SAND??
Going back to sensory issues, 
my daughter is terrified of the sand.

This was the lake trip for her in one picture-

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water- you can't get to it....

 The people beside us couldn't believe how bad she hated the sand.  
Look at her draw up her feet in this picture.
She refused to touch it.
She wouldn't touch it, she wouldn't look at it, and lucky for us sand has a bad habit of getting on everything...and she wasn't having it.
The trip was her crying NONSTOP.

The only thing that could make this trip better....

I had to say it...Sharknados.

New DORA  shoes later in the week helped Carlee forgive the world.


 Brother and Sister

Muffin Cakes


Workshop Training

EC DATA using MClass
(sounds fun doesn't it?)

The positive.  I had a peaceful lunch.
I found a really good book.

 I looked out the window at all the college students.
Before I knew it, it was time to go.
I was rushed, but I bought a coffee to go.

 I didn't pay attention to the straw I grabbed.  I went all the way across campus with this HUGE straw. 
I sent Darren this picture, and he sent a text back-
"I would sip that out of the cup unless I was alone."
(I giggled every time I took a drink.)

Who gave her a whole BAG of animal crackers!?!?
I just vacuumed!!!

Boyscout Camp with Mrs. E.
C. had the best time with you Mrs. E.
(thanks for the pictures, they were all so good!)

Dancing with the Scouts
(Work It!)

This may be next week's picture if we keep having bad luck:

I'm kidding, but jeez whiz, I'm afraid to go outside tomorrow.
When it rains, it pours, for sure.

Friday, July 26, 2013

10 Steps for Marital Success

Guess What?
I have been married for 10 years.   
Don't we look so happy and cute (and young)?
Papa and Nana volunteered to keep the children all night.
The conversation went something like this:
Dad:  What are you going to do for your anniversary?
Me:  Eat a peanut butter sandwich and watch COPS.
Dad:  Why don’t we watch the kids, they can spend the night.
Me:  My kids?
Dad: yes, your kids.
Me:  My kids, the ones with the light hair and blue eyes and big voices??
Dad:  Yes, they will be fine.  Let them stay for one night.
Me:  ummm.  Ok if your sure.
Dad:  I'm sure.

I texted 100 times.  Carlee has never stayed a night away from me and Connor only a few times.
They finally had to send me a picture so that I would know Carlee is alive.  


Darren took me to a lovely restaurant.  I wore high heels and looked very fancy.
A couple across from us had three screaming children.  Eventually, the dad left with the kids while the mom ate, and then the mom left while the dad ate.  I swear to you right now I almost took all three of those children outside to play hopscotch in my heels so those poor parents could eat. I GET IT.  
I remained in my seat though, I thought it best to be just a wife and not worry about any children for thirty minutes.

I was so excited to eat and drink like an adult.  YIPEE.  The food, the environment, the waitress....all wonderful.  Wonderful Meal.
I didn’t have to break anyone’s food into little pieces or eat so quickly this time.  It was big fun.

I really am happy, I'm trying to figure out what the stalling camera is doing.  I wanted the waitress to take our picture together, but Darren said 'NO WAY'.

Next we went to Target, and even though we didn’t have children, we looked in the toy section.  (I have no idea why we did that.)  My feet hurt so bad, I threw the adult shoes in the back of the car the second we were finished. (I tried being fancy.)   

We reminisced about our younger selves and what we will be like in our older selves, and how fast time flies.  Then we told stories about the children that only we would laugh at... "Connor told me that Meme had three Italians who live above her who shoot guns and throw pizzas.  Those dirty Italians.”

 Connor looking at my marriage certificate and pictures.
Connor:  These pictures make me want to cry.
Me: Why do they make you want to cry?
Connor:  Because they were taken during the 80s and Dale Earnhardt was still alive.

In ten years I have learned a few things about marriage.  
Throw away all that other "expert advice".  
I have 10 Steps for Marital Success.  
Trust Me On This.

1.  Remember above all-
 A Crime of Insanity is Pretty Difficult to Prove,
so just put the toilet seat down (again) without complaint.

2.  All you Need is Love,
and by love I mean separate televisions.

3.  Spice it Up with Role Play:
It’s Oregon trail and I have Typhoid Fever.  You have to leave immediately (with the children) on the covered wagon, and I have to have this area quarantined (NO ONE CAN ENTER) for 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep or more!!!!!  

(keep the romantic adventures alive)

3.   Bring Sexy Back.
Well, at least use deodorant every other day, and dry shampoo works like a charm...

4.  Discuss the Global Impact of Current Events.
Me:  Did you see how lovely the prince and princess looked?  How exciting, a new royal heir!
Darren:  Why is Prince William bald? If I were a prince I would have royal hair as in a Royal Afro.  I would pay for some rockin’ royal hair.
Me:  Let’s listen to the radio for a while.

5. Don’t Go to Bed Angry.
Drink Wine Instead.
Example #1:  
Husband:  You can only spend 10.00 this week.
Wife:  Are you insane? I can’t buy a cup of gas for that!?!
Are you married to the checkbook or what?
(Gulp. Gulp. Gulp.)
Wife:  Darling let’s live off the land to save money!!
I love you!
Your hair looks fuller tonight!
Let’s clip coupons and gaze into each other’s eyes.

6.  Keep Mystery in the Marriage.
Some current mysteries in my house-
where are my keys?
where is my cell phone?
where is my waist?
where is my coffee mug?

7.  Write Love Notes.
Dear Honey Pie, 
I love you very much.
You are the best ever. iwreckedthevanagain
I think you have big muscles.
Take an extra nap this afternoon, I'll watch the kids.

8. Be a Team,
against the children.  The children will try to take over.  You can outsmart them with teamwork. 

9.  Laugh:
(do I even need to write anything here?)

10.  Trust God,
that you will get through the trying times without impending padded walls.

Happy Anniversary to my husband.
I’m pretty lucky if I do say so myself.
As I like to say, life is perfectly imperfect, and that is what makes it good.