Friday, July 26, 2013

10 Steps for Marital Success

Guess What?
I have been married for 10 years.   
Don't we look so happy and cute (and young)?
Papa and Nana volunteered to keep the children all night.
The conversation went something like this:
Dad:  What are you going to do for your anniversary?
Me:  Eat a peanut butter sandwich and watch COPS.
Dad:  Why don’t we watch the kids, they can spend the night.
Me:  My kids?
Dad: yes, your kids.
Me:  My kids, the ones with the light hair and blue eyes and big voices??
Dad:  Yes, they will be fine.  Let them stay for one night.
Me:  ummm.  Ok if your sure.
Dad:  I'm sure.

I texted 100 times.  Carlee has never stayed a night away from me and Connor only a few times.
They finally had to send me a picture so that I would know Carlee is alive.  


Darren took me to a lovely restaurant.  I wore high heels and looked very fancy.
A couple across from us had three screaming children.  Eventually, the dad left with the kids while the mom ate, and then the mom left while the dad ate.  I swear to you right now I almost took all three of those children outside to play hopscotch in my heels so those poor parents could eat. I GET IT.  
I remained in my seat though, I thought it best to be just a wife and not worry about any children for thirty minutes.

I was so excited to eat and drink like an adult.  YIPEE.  The food, the environment, the waitress....all wonderful.  Wonderful Meal.
I didn’t have to break anyone’s food into little pieces or eat so quickly this time.  It was big fun.

I really am happy, I'm trying to figure out what the stalling camera is doing.  I wanted the waitress to take our picture together, but Darren said 'NO WAY'.

Next we went to Target, and even though we didn’t have children, we looked in the toy section.  (I have no idea why we did that.)  My feet hurt so bad, I threw the adult shoes in the back of the car the second we were finished. (I tried being fancy.)   

We reminisced about our younger selves and what we will be like in our older selves, and how fast time flies.  Then we told stories about the children that only we would laugh at... "Connor told me that Meme had three Italians who live above her who shoot guns and throw pizzas.  Those dirty Italians.”

 Connor looking at my marriage certificate and pictures.
Connor:  These pictures make me want to cry.
Me: Why do they make you want to cry?
Connor:  Because they were taken during the 80s and Dale Earnhardt was still alive.

In ten years I have learned a few things about marriage.  
Throw away all that other "expert advice".  
I have 10 Steps for Marital Success.  
Trust Me On This.

1.  Remember above all-
 A Crime of Insanity is Pretty Difficult to Prove,
so just put the toilet seat down (again) without complaint.

2.  All you Need is Love,
and by love I mean separate televisions.

3.  Spice it Up with Role Play:
It’s Oregon trail and I have Typhoid Fever.  You have to leave immediately (with the children) on the covered wagon, and I have to have this area quarantined (NO ONE CAN ENTER) for 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep or more!!!!!  

(keep the romantic adventures alive)

3.   Bring Sexy Back.
Well, at least use deodorant every other day, and dry shampoo works like a charm...

4.  Discuss the Global Impact of Current Events.
Me:  Did you see how lovely the prince and princess looked?  How exciting, a new royal heir!
Darren:  Why is Prince William bald? If I were a prince I would have royal hair as in a Royal Afro.  I would pay for some rockin’ royal hair.
Me:  Let’s listen to the radio for a while.

5. Don’t Go to Bed Angry.
Drink Wine Instead.
Example #1:  
Husband:  You can only spend 10.00 this week.
Wife:  Are you insane? I can’t buy a cup of gas for that!?!
Are you married to the checkbook or what?
(Gulp. Gulp. Gulp.)
Wife:  Darling let’s live off the land to save money!!
I love you!
Your hair looks fuller tonight!
Let’s clip coupons and gaze into each other’s eyes.

6.  Keep Mystery in the Marriage.
Some current mysteries in my house-
where are my keys?
where is my cell phone?
where is my waist?
where is my coffee mug?

7.  Write Love Notes.
Dear Honey Pie, 
I love you very much.
You are the best ever. iwreckedthevanagain
I think you have big muscles.
Take an extra nap this afternoon, I'll watch the kids.

8. Be a Team,
against the children.  The children will try to take over.  You can outsmart them with teamwork. 

9.  Laugh:
(do I even need to write anything here?)

10.  Trust God,
that you will get through the trying times without impending padded walls.

Happy Anniversary to my husband.
I’m pretty lucky if I do say so myself.
As I like to say, life is perfectly imperfect, and that is what makes it good.


  1. I looooove this!! Happy Anniversary to you and Darren.

    1. Thanks Misty, I just wish I had some wedding cake right now! :)