There I was lying on the couch in my pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon. The house looked like a tornado. C. is wearing a pair of old shorts playing in the middle of the floor. I’m right in the middle of a great read…the love story between Harper and Nick. There is a knock at the door. Crap. Who is it? I’ve not brushed my teeth yet! I open the door and immediately I can tell it’s a salesgirl. Small, cute, blond and trained perfectly to sale…I got a cue when I opened the door and she pretended to stare into the blue sky. She turns around in surprise as if she had no idea she just knocked on my door.
Salesgirl: well hello, I’m just visiting the homes of my fellow Christians.
My thought: My name is on a secret fellow Christian list??
Connor: Do you remember the Macho Man? He’s got them cool glasses.
Me: Never mind him. How can I help you?
Salesgirl: Can I step in for a moment?
My thought: and see my house?? Heck no.
Me: Well we were just on our way to grandma’s house.
My thought: I am such a liar.
Connor: Hey you want to see me do a cool arm fart?? (Proceeds to arm fart.)
- We step outside.
Me: Connor go play.
Salesgirl: I just want to take a few moments to talk to you about some great literature. How much time do you spend in the Bible with your family?
My thought: Don’t you understand I’m about to find out if Nick and Harper are getting back together and she is about to find her estranged mother after 16 years!?!?
My thought: God forgive me. It’s freaking’ hot out here.
Connor: Whooooo! Hey, watch me swing! Watch me swing!
Salesgirl: WOW! That is so awesome, everyday!? You must be an amazing mother to study the Bible everyday.
My thought: yes, I can tell you believe that by the way Connor is screaming “I’m going to take you down you!” while hanging upside down from the monkey bars.
Me: Well I try.
My thoughts: God I will try harder if you get me out of this.
Salesgirl proceeds to call all the names out that have bought this grand product! People from my church, school, and neighborhood.
Me: I don’t know any of those people and I'm not going to buy what your selling just because others did. Show me what it is.
Salesgirl: Amanda (she got my name earlier, she doesn’t forget a name)…how would you like to improve Connor’s life through the word of God? How would you like to apply meaning like never before to your family?
Me: ummmm…sounds great.
My thoughts: I’m melting…what is it 1000 degrees? What would she do if I said, ‘heck no, we study wrestlan’ in this home.’
Salesgirl: I have a product that is so amazing you are going to become closer to God, improve you memory of scriptures, and teach Connor like never before.
Me: Ok, sounds great.
Salesgirl: Now does your husband allow you to do the purchasing?
Me: Only when he unchains me from the basement on Tuesdays.
Salesgirl: ha. Ha.
Salesgirl: This product has been bought by (reads all the names, AGAIN) and these parents are so excited by teaching their child through this amazing product.
Connor: Rock n’ Roll for LIFE! Whoooo. Hooooo. Watch me turn a flip. Do you know Bret the Hitman Hart??
My thought: Maybe I DO need to buy what she is selling.
Me: ummm….you seem like a really nice girl, but can you just show me this product already and give me the price?
Salesgirl: (smiling politely) the great thing is this product sales like crazy because it is so affordable. Can you read this scripture for me?
- I read out of Exodus (about Moses and the Ten Commandments). There I am reading scriptures in 99 degree heat in pajamas thinking about Harper and Nick and air condition. Meanwhile, Connor is singing the Star Spangled Banner followed by Let’s Go Racing Boys!
Salesgirl: So were you able to apply meaning to what you just read?
Me: ummm. Yes. Don’t tick God off.
Salesgirl: Could Connor apply meaning?
Me: Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration. Can I see the product?
Salesgirl: You are funny.
-she opens the suitcase and pulls out a leather-bound book of bible stories (about like the 7 other bible book stories in my house now). She begins to read to me the story of Moses.
Salesgirl: What do you think about this?
Me: ummmm… it’s great. Connor stop riding the dog! What is the price?
Salesgirl: I was getting to that. Unlike many plans where you have to pay shipping and handling, internet fees, and pay for labor…this product you get right away for an affordable price. You can start a layaway program or pay up front?
Me: What’s the price?
Me: 193 dollars for three books!?!? I thought God’s gifts were free? Does it come with a golden Jesus statue??
Salesgirl: do you want me to show Connor??
Me: ummm no. My husband definitely won’t approve of him making the financial decisions. Thank you so much, but our family can’t afford this.
Salesgirl: but think about all the great family time you could create with this.
Me: We did that last night over WWE Monday Night Raw. Ha. Ha. I’m kidding. Your right, studying the Bible should be of first concern for my family, but I don’t think we need to pay 200.00 to make that a priority.
Salesgirl: Thank you for your time, your son is delightful. Good Bye!
Me: (a little loudly) Connor let’s get ready for grandmas!
Connor: We’re going to grandmas today! Yipee!!
After Salesgirl leaves.
Me: Ummm. We are Friday, I meant pick out what you want to wear for Friday.
Connor: I’m going to wear my underwear and wrestling boots.
Me: Let’s read a bible story.