Friday, March 7, 2014

One Year Ago (attention new moms)

I woke up early this morning and I ran across this picture.
It is amazing what life can do to you in one year. 

One Year Ago.......

I think everyone needs someone to look up to, and I look up to this lady!
She is such an amazing pillar of strength.  Even during chemo, she was listening to me and supporting me, and continues to build me up and care for me.
I am so HAPPY to have her healthy.
I think deep inside she gave me a scare.
I am so BLESSED to work side by side with Mrs. E.  
We may not can remember one thing, because she has chemo brain and I have baby brain, but we certainly laugh all the time!

One Year Ago....


Oh Wait, these are the cute and sweet Facebook pictures.  Allow me to show you the realities of one year ago...

This would be what doctors call "Purple Crying".  Purple Crying is from HELL.  
No one really knows why children get the colic, lots of theories, and believe me I called Dr. T. to check out every. single. theory.  (He was very patient with me.)
I still don't believe she wasn't in pain.  There is no way a child cries like that without some type of pain.
It would start at around 4:00pm or 5:00pm and go into the night.
There was fighting.
Darren was having a hard time with it.
Connor was having a hard time with it.

I looked up a blog that I wrote about a year ago, that I never published.  

As you can see, I was NOT seeking spiritual guidance.  I was too busy trying to juggle too much to seek out God.  I was too busy being angry and sleepy.

And let us not forget, I had another child.  
He was struggling. 
There was the struggle through homework...the struggle with impulsive behavior...telling yourself if you work hard enough you can catch him up.....
....trying to deny what was right in front of your face.  

Tired.  Impatient.  Tears. 
But the next day you have to do it all again.  

I cried at every single parent conference, to the point Darren became a little concerned about me.
(really there was no need to cry, look at this face)

Hindsight is 20/20.  
I wish that I had taken off work when I was exhausted.  I wish I had worried less.  I wish I had taken care of myself more.  I wish I had expressed more to Darren.  I wish I had asked a friend or family member to come and stay the weekend while I caught up on household chores.  I wish I had more faith.  I wish I had devoted more time to talking to God.  I wish I had let things pile up.  I wish I had said NO more.   I wish I had made boundaries regardless of other opinions. I wish I had given things more time.

I hope some new mom is reading this, because it would have been ok to do all of the above.

When you are going through struggling times, there are those who simply want you to do what is best for them.  They make no move to understand what a person must be dealing with and then they judge accordingly.

Then there are those who you really bond with, 
the sincere folks:
Best Sub. Ever, the mom to two boys, compassionate, creative....

Girls who dragged me out....thank you.

Could we have had a more professional, understanding, and kind teacher during my mental breakdowns?
nada  ;)

One Year Ago....
I am a lucky girl to have made many new friendships.  

One Year Ago...
I was a MESS!
But I was in love!

I once read that after you give birth,  'you come back to your self and to your world in phases.  You tend to be shrouded in layers of veils after you give birth, and slowly but surely they seem to lift and you can see clearer and clearer'. (glassposse)

I can finally see myself.
I finally feel like myself.

And let me tell you, God was there.
Those un-worded silent prayers that my heart cried out...
were answered.
Carlee goes to bed within minutes of laying down now.
She sleeps all night, unless she is sick.
We have our challenges.
But I can handle it now.
Connor is doing better. 
He is a few levels from grade level.
He has his challenges.
But I can handle that now.

I am in a better place. Finally.

In the bible, Paul's example shows us that if we need encouragement, God is right there waiting with open arms. He does not pressure. He is loving and open, ready to encourage.  I believe God wants us to practice self love and not allow our emotions to rule us.  It is hard to understand this when our encouragement is tied into worldly value. 
I am so thankful for all that I do not deserve.

Romans: 26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. -Message

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