Saturday, August 4, 2012

Picture Perfect

Today we had pictures taken for our church directory, and our first group family photo ever.  Before our assigned time we were sent the following rules to follow about picture making.  (I didn't know there were so many rules to taking a picture.)  I found them to be quite interesting.

  1. Make sure nails are trimmed and clean. (A rule that can carry you far in life, but what if I want to wear gloves to save time? What if dirty, long nails are part of our theme?)
  2. Simple hairstyles and natural makeup are best. (AKA. DON’T USE a Hair Coupon.)
  3. Avoid haircuts within 48 hours of your portrait sitting. Ideally, haircuts should happen 2 weeks prior. (AKA. I repeat DON’T USE a Hair Coupon.)

4.  Have any hair and makeup supplies available for quick touch-ups. (Along with a change of clothing for every family member, burp cloths, bottle, rattle, gas drops, blankets, diapers, wipes... you know what.... can you just make house calls so I can just shower right BEFORE the picture?)

  1. Solid colors or simple patterns look best. Busy patterns on clothing are distracting. (Great there goes my whole ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ Family Theme... leopard/ zebra print are in now.)

Our Family Pictures are going to say 'Mom doesn't iron'.

2. Medium to dark shades create a timeless look & are slenderizing. (What is that you say? dark shades are slenderizing.  I will show up wearing a Dracula cape.  I can totally rock a black, Christian, Dracula cape.)
3. Small jewelry/accessories compliment your face better. Avoid large, distracting accessories. (Haven’t you ever heard, go big or go home? My bracelet earrings are AwEsOmE).

  1. Make sure your shoes match your outfit. They might show in some poses. (RATS!  I was hoping for a 'neck up' picture, like in Facebook where you can’t see what all of me looks like.  What kind of photo place is this?  Photo shop Cindy Crawford’s shoes...I’m wearing flip flops.)
  2. Long sleeves are better for adults to focus attention on the face. Short sleeves are OK for infants and children. (I beg to differ-  What if your children are totally sporting a SNAKE tat?)
3.  If you wear glasses, feel free to wear them. Our photographers are trained to minimize any glare. (What about the glare I give my husband when he suggested the DOG pose with us, while I deal with the kids alone.  Are you prepared for that type of glare mister photographer?)

Posing for the Camera
1.  With permission of your organization, you may bring your household pet to your portrait session. (Yes, lets add another family member that wants to drool, pee in public, fart, and beg.)
2.  Bring meaningful items to your portrait session: sports equipment, musical instruments, special toys or books, etc. (Now we are talking! I am going to look amazing posing with my chocolate and National Enquirer.)
3.  We encourage you to have fun at your session and express your true personality! (I hope you can handle all the fun we are about to bring... husband stressing about money  (check), wild boy climbing walls (check), crying baby with gas (check), frazzled mom who forgets to wear matching shoes (check), fun, fun!)
4.  If you have special requests for your portrait session, please share them with us. We are here to serve you. (Get one shot with us sorta, kinda, maybe smiling and not showing underwear.)
5.  Remember that portraits make excellent gifts. We also offer portrait greeting cards. (When you see these prices, you could buy them a house instead, trust me.)

I signed us up for a morning slot for our picture because I thought Carlee would be the most well behaved in the morning.  What I didn’t think about was four people taking bath/showers and getting ready with one bathroom.  That got tricky.  We were rushing around so much that we forgot to brush Connor’s teeth and I forgot my wedding band.  We didn’t forget our clothing- so I call- Success!  
Once we got to the church we endured a half hour of “unnatural” poses.  Lean to the left, tilt your head back, twist back, put your hand here, look out, cross your arms, lean forward, hug your husband like you love him (you know totally unnatural poses)....haaa. hey I love my husband, but I don’t normally lean into his back like a spider monkey.  At one point we all had to sit like a train in very close quarters on stools.  Connor quote “this is weird, this is inappropriate, we shouldn’t be sitting like this”.

It could be worse, we could look like this?

We had to pause to try to comfort Carlee who decided she was hungry and needed to be feed ASAP, so Connor got a few solo shots where he grinned like a banshee.  Ms. Photographer asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said “yes, my cousin is my girlfriend”.  (I hope that quote isn’t listed in the church directory.) Then Ms. Photographer suggested he hold his sister, he wasn’t loving that idea, which may be the reason she looked like she was sliding into the floor at any moment causing her to scream again.

I was just so happy she didn’t projectile puke all over the place.  Little things make me happy these days.

When she took us back to look at her work, it didn’t take us long to pick out what picture we wanted in the church directory.  It was pretty easy.  There was only one picture that didn’t make us feel like having plastic surgery the next day.  I wish I could blame the photographer but I can’t.  Its just that Darren and I looked like two old people or our parents.  eeeekkk.  Believe me, the photography was good, we just had a little mid life crisis.

images from our photo today

We were so traumatized we ordered two salads for lunch at a nearby burger joint with the goal to eat well for the fountain of youth.  We didn't make it to dinner time.
We did enjoy the pictures of the kids.  We went through each picture and told her what we wanted.  The Grand Total: $431.00 for about eight pictures and two poses mounted on something called heritage background.  cough.  You know pictures of kids are OVERrated.  I don’t really need to remember them or my heritage anyway.  Cancel that order please, I would like to live off of more than beans this week.  

That was our picture perfect day (pics will follow in 4-6 weeks).  Right now I need to go put on my wrinkle cream.  MAN those pictures were harsh.


  1. Are you taking orders? I like to use REAL photos in my therapy, I don't have one of a dysfunctional family. Ha Ha (that experience sounded so familiar to me) It will be a funny memory when they are in their 20's.

  2. lol. Oh yes, I can't wait to post our pictures with captions! Speaking of therapy, I think my kids are going to need it when they are in their 20s! :)