Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Why I'll never write a HOW TO PARENT book

This week my kids don’t like me.
So I have figured out apparently ‘end of year’ means ‘I don’t have to do a thing because I’m burned out’ in my six year old’s mind, and apparently my baby figured out who her family is now. 
Please don’t misunderstand this post, I love my family, my children are Beautiful Blessings, I would do anything for them…I like them just great……………it’s just that they don’t like me this week. 
If only life were like a commercial…the cute little boy spills his juice, mom swipes it up in two seconds with a super absorbent Bounty towel (not the whole roll like me), and they hug and laugh the rest of the day.  Or a Huggies commercial where the baby giggles and coos into her mother’s eyes while wearing super absorbent diapers!  Maybe I need something super absorbent.
This week I could make a commercial for anti-anxiety drugs.  Just picture it (if you will)...The cute little boy with big blue eyes comes bounding into the house with a note from school that says he is "a bit unmotivated", aka. doing nothing all day long, his parents ground him from all wrestling and television, he stomps his little foot and runs up the stairs to slam the door and screams he is NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN and  PLANS TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME and WE ARE UNFAIR!  Then picture a sweet little baby with big cherub cheeks.   You pick her up to sing a soft lullaby….(camera zooms in) and she pukes all over you and screams bloody murder. 
Man, am I good or what?!?   I smell a second job as commercial writer.  Why stop at drugs??  I could sell alcohol, bus rides to California, abstinence, and lotto tickets with that commercial!!!
Just to recap the week-
Carlee’s response to me feeding-
Carlee’s response to rocking-
Carlee’s response to sweet talk-
Carlee’s response to baby massage-
Carlee’s response to changing-
Connor’s response to helping with homework-
Sassy mouth
Connor’s response to dinner-
Sassy mouth
Connor’s response to bedtime-
Sassy mouth
Connor’s response to getting ready for school-
Sassy mouth
Connor’s response to punishment-
Sassy mouth
We are actually doing a parenting study in Sunday School that encourages tells us to look toward the scriptures with our parenting.  Due to a lack of sleep I couldn’t find the bible scriptures that speak about sassy mouth, so I just open it up and tell Connor the bible says ‘thou shall not sassy mouth! God says'.  (I may need to work on my technique.)
Two questions I always get when I go out- 1.  Is Carlee a good baby?  2.  Is Connor enjoying the baby?  People really don’t want to hear the answer to those questions.  They look at you like you are a two headed monster if you answer truthfully….so I lie... yes she is good, yes Connor enjoys her, yes life is a sunny commercial.   What does being a good baby mean anyway?  One who massages your feet and brings you caviar on a platter. And how is a six year old suppose to enjoy a baby whose world consists of changing, feeding, and rocking??  It’s not like they can wrestle and play football together.   

Well we all know I love a challenge, and parenting brings challenges, so maybe next week we can be a better commercial.
On the plus side, I made steak and heated frozen French fries for dinner the other night, so I think my husband likes me.

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