Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Main Staples for the Pregnant Woman (with stinky feet)

I’m going to the doctor weekly now.  Basically, I go in…they check my blood pressure, weight, urine sample, measure my belly, I hold my breath hoping they say I have to put my feet up for 48 hours so I will have an excuse to be lazy, but they just say ‘your healthy as a horse, see you next week’ and I’m on my merry way.  (I really AM happy I'm as healthy as a horse.)
However, this past doctor visit was a little different.  I unexpectedly had to have a more intrusive exam, one where you have to remove everything from the waist down…etc.   This may not seem so bad, except for a few issues.
1.     My feet are RANK.  My favorite shoe wear is the generic Ugg type boots that don’t require socks, and my swollen feet kind of get stuck in there and sweat and the black fuzz sticks to my feet and ….OK YOU GET THE PICTURE.  Let’s just say I took them off once in class and my students begged me to get rid of the funky smell.
2.    DANG JUDY….has it been that long since I shaved my legs? 
3.    I was really planning to cut my toe nails this weekend…it’s something that resembles exercise at this stage and I kind of avoid it.
I carefully remove my shoes in the tiny bathroom….and YOWZA it was worse than I thought.  The smell combined with my black fuzz toes and hairy legs…it was just embarrassing people.  Oh man, I can’t go out there.  I tried to wash my feet in the sink.  Did you know a pregnant woman can’t put her feet in the sink?  It’s impossible (and I had the red face to prove it).  I pulled MORE paper towels down and tried to scrub my feet.  At this point, the trashcan is filling up with all the paper towels.  What now?  Think.  What would Angus MacGyver do??  I got my pocket book.  I searched through it.  The only thing I could find was my pint size Vampire Blood Germ X.   

It smells good.  My plan:  Drown my feet in the smell of Germ X. (is the nurse thinking I’m an alcoholic worse than having stinky feet?)   I drenched my feet in Germ X anyway.  Then I hear the nurse call ‘everything all right in there?’  I have no choice; I have to go out there.  I cut the water off, and clean the bathroom.  At this point, I’m pretty tired.  When I exit the bathroom, I explain that I truly am sorry for the smell of my feet, hairy legs, and long toe nails.  The nurse looks at me as if I’m #1 NUTS, and tells me to get up on the table NOW (but I don’t think it was my imagination that she wrinkled her nose).
The moral of the story is there are certain staples a pregnant woman needs in the last trimester. Starting with toenail clippers, lotion, and possibly a razor.
When I was pregnant with Connor, dressing for the last term was a little easier because it was summer and I was out for summer vacation.  Flip-flops, summer dresses, Capri pants, and a long shirt worked pretty good.  Dressing for work in the winter when you are this size….
can be pretty tricky.  Allow me to share a few more staples of the extra largey, large woman who wants to look as professional as a woman can who swallowed a watermelon.  Ladies some must haves on a BUDGET....
1.    Black Pants that GROW with you (not the trendy kind)
2.    One NICE Black Maternity Dress that you can wear to the end
3.    Navy Pants that Grow with you
4.    Slip on SHOES (1/2 size larger)
5.    A Few Flowy Tops with COLOR
6.    Accessorize, Accessorize, Accessorize

So take my advice and you will be as GOOD AS GOLD!
(and for the Love of Pete, don't forget the Germ X!!!)


  1. LOL :) Read it. Love it! ~Anna J.

  2. Girl, you just won't do!!! haha If you want me to come shave your legs and clip your toenails let me know! Love you

  3. YES Joan, I needs someone to do these things...When I do them My face gets red and I see stars! lol