Monday, August 11, 2014

Intervention (Pool Addition)

Welcome to Intervention Pool Edition

If you are making these mistakes. PLEASE seek help immediately.

 1.   Bathing Suit Intervention:  I believe in wearing what makes you feel good, but not wearing what makes young adolescent boys feel good.  Bathing Suit Shopping means TRY ON THE BATHING SUIT And LOOK IN THE MIRROR.  Please accommodate your bottom and top.  There is more crack going down at the pool than Breaking Bad.  It is not necessary.  Say no to excess.  Say yes to class.

2. Water Gun Intervention: Put. The. Gun. Down.  Water guns are fun.  Water guns are refreshing.  Water guns are not meant to be shot in the face of an 80 year old women at close range.  Teach your children some etiquette.  Don't allow your children to pump a water toy that shoots hard streams of water 75 ft. away at people. I don't want to play The Bourne Identity water version.   Trust me when I say it is no fun holding floats in one hand, a timid two year old in the other, and suddenly feeling a hard icy cold stream of water directly in your ear. 

3. Teenage Intervention:  Dear pack of teenagers, don’t play tackle football in the shallow end with babies, toddlers, and young children (like, duh....that is totally what the shallow end is for anyway).  Do you not see that you just pushed a set of two year olds under the water while you were flirting with each other?

4. Cig Intervention:  Is life so stressful at the pool you must you smoke a pack of cigarettes on the side? 
We have enough trouble battling our cancer in the form of sun only, thank you much.

5. Childcare Intervention:  Dear Parents, I know that pool side with non-swimmers can be very boring, and your so close to completing your final level of Candy Crush.  HOWEVER, you may need an intervention if your child cannot swim (or even if they can) and you are not watching them.  Water is not a babysitter and neither are the 100 children dunking each other.  Please pay attention.  I get heart palpitations watching some of those children struggle out there.

6.  Stealing Intervention:  Sharing is good.  Stealing is bad.  I have actually had to walk over to a parent's beach bag and pull out shovels, balls, and goggles that belong to MY children, while the parents just look at me not saying a word.  'Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers' does not apply to floating pool items. We even had a beach towel picked up.  No. Unacceptable.  Say NO to picking up things that don't belong to you for keeps.

7.  Shaving Intervention: Shave. Just Shave.  All parts.  Shave.  Men I am talking to you too!  Summer sweater is not in fashion mid- summer.

8. Skinny Intervention:  If you haven't given birth to at least 8 children...don't sit beside me.  Don't strut in front of me.  Be skinny, just don't BE skinny near me.

9.  Float Intervention:  Do you really need a float that can seat 50? in a pool where you can barely turn around? No you do NOT!  There is NO room. 

10.  PDA Intervention:   If I wanted to watch hot scenes I would choose a movie via Cinemax on Demand.  Imagine tossing the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle beach ball around when you ram into two people, making out, so intertwined you don't know whose arms and legs belong to who or if they are even yours!?!   How romantic is chlorine anyway?   A good rule of thumb:  Don't wrap your legs around anyone but a lifeguard saving your life in a pool.  

It is up to you.
You must take the first step.
Get help today.
Pool Intervention.

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