Why I'll never write a HOW TO PARENT book

This week my kids don’t like me.

So I have figured out apparently ‘end of year’ means ‘I don’t have to do a thing because I’m burned out’ in my six year old’s mind, and apparently my baby figured out who her family is now. 

Please don’t misunderstand this post, I love my family, my children are Beautiful Blessings, I would do anything for them…I like them just great……………it’s just that they don’t like me this week. 

If only life were like a commercial…the cute little boy spills his juice, mom swipes it up in two seconds with a super absorbent Bounty towel (not the whole roll like me), and they hug and laugh the rest of the day.  Or a Huggies commercial where the baby giggles and coos into her mother’s eyes while wearing super absorbent diapers!  Maybe I need something super absorbent.

This week I could make a commercial for anti-anxiety drugs.  Just picture it (if you will)...The cute little boy with big blue eyes comes bounding into the house with a note from school that says he is "a bit unmotivated", aka. doing nothing all day long, his parents ground him from all wrestling and television, he stomps his little foot and runs up the stairs to slam the door and screams he is NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN and  PLANS TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME and WE ARE UNFAIR!  Then picture a sweet little baby with big cherub cheeks.   You pick her up to sing a soft lullaby….(camera zooms in) and she pukes all over you and screams bloody murder. 

Man, am I good or what?!?   I smell a second job as commercial writer.  Why stop at drugs??  I could sell alcohol, bus rides to California, abstinence, and lotto tickets with that commercial!!!

Just to recap the week-

Carlee’s response to me feeding-

Cry.

Carlee’s response to rocking-

Cry

Carlee’s response to sweet talk-

Cry.

Carlee’s response to baby massage-

Cry.

Carlee’s response to changing-

Cry.

Connor’s response to helping with homework-

Sassy mouth

Connor’s response to dinner-

Sassy mouth

Connor’s response to bedtime-

Sassy mouth

Connor’s response to getting ready for school-

Sassy mouth

Connor’s response to punishment-

Sassy mouth

We are actually doing a parenting study in Sunday School that encourages tells us to look toward the scriptures with our parenting.  Due to a lack of sleep I couldn’t find the bible scriptures that speak about sassy mouth, so I just open it up and tell Connor the bible says ‘thou shall not sassy mouth! God says'.  (I may need to work on my technique.)

Two questions I always get when I go out- 1.  Is Carlee a good baby?  2.  Is Connor enjoying the baby?  People really don’t want to hear the answer to those questions.  They look at you like you are a two headed monster if you answer truthfully….so I lie... yes she is good, yes Connor enjoys her, yes life is a sunny commercial.   What does being a good baby mean anyway?  One who massages your feet and brings you caviar on a platter. And how is a six year old suppose to enjoy a baby whose world consists of changing, feeding, and rocking??  It’s not like they can wrestle and play football together.   

Well we all know I love a challenge, and parenting brings challenges, so maybe next week we can be a better commercial.

On the plus side, I made steak and heated frozen French fries for dinner the other night, so I think my husband likes me.

Let's (not) Talk About S-R-X.

Back to work this week!  Good-bye Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year.... and hello long boring months of being broke and cold.  Actually for me, it is a countdown because it looks like baby Carlee will be arriving around early March, which means I better kick butt to get all things wrapped up at work.  I'm huge, I literally feel like the Marshmallow Man attacking the town in Ghostbusters. 

 I nearly knocked down two kids with my girth this week.   To Mamas it doesn’t matter about the pregnancy because we love our babies from day one, stretch marks and all!

This morning I praised God for things that seem to be coming together, baby shower plans are made, my sick leave collected, the nursery is put together (thanks to my very good husband), we have all been healthy, and  Connor is reading more and he stayed on green light this week (i.e. Good behavior), and I cleaned the house.  It’s as if I have the Good Mother Badge this week. 

Things were going well, beautiful day, Friday afternoon, Connor and I are walking to the car at the end of the school day, and this is how the conversation went:

C.: Whatever you do don’t say S-R-X mom.

Me: What does S-R-X mean?

C: You know S-R-X, spells Sex.

WHAMO. My heart starts beating at a very quick rate.

Me: (cough) Do you know what that word means?

C: It means that two people go to bed and kiss all over each other.

DOUBLE WHAMO!! 

Me: Where on earth did you hear that!?!?  (My voice is two octaves way too high).  Did you hear that at school??  Where did you hear that??

C: Don’t be mad.  I saw Hot Girls on TV. 

Me: WHAT!?!   (I probably sounded like Peewee Herman on Helium)

C:  I saw it on a video game and my friend’s Facebook.

Me: WHAT!?!   We don’t even own video games!?!  You don’t have a friend with Facebook.

C: I just heard it.  Don’t tell dad.

6 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!  In two seconds, my son had just summed up the problem with America:

People who can’t even spell  S-R-X already know  how to get the process started.

Oh MAN, How do I handle this?  (Salt N Pepa made it look so easy)

My options:

a.        Repeat what would happen in my house as a youth where I get the crap beat out of me and told never to say that again or I would pay.

b.       Be a cool mom and talk about the birds and the bees and free love and open communication about S-R-X.  (Since my whole stance is DON’T EVEN THINK IT, this option isn’t going to work.)

c.       Wing it.

I figured out that C. didn’t have any more information about S-R-X (thank Goodness), and he had pieced together some things he saw on commercials with talk from an older child.  Like a moth to a flame, that is my Connor to inappropriate content. ( GeeZ, this whole parenting thing is hard.)  His teacher , mother, and father repeat concepts day in and day out he can’t catch nearly as quickly as a two-minute segment of two people making out and two boys talking.  Even though our TV watching is truly rated G, I have figured all it takes is one overheard segment on Entertainment Television, reality TV, or even some Disney Channel content….and one can learn a lot more than one needs to know.  Most kids don’t pay attention, but lucky ME I get a strong willed child who gravitates toward the inappropriate.

I did tell his dad after all, really because I wanted him to share in my agony.... and he did.  We have already set C. down and talked to him about good talk (monster trucks, dogs, etc.) and bad talk (S-R-X, bad words, sassy language) and what happens when you bad talk and what happens if we find out about it (see option A above) and so forth, etc., etc..

So basically this is how my weekend has started.  I officially lost the Good Mother Badge hours ago, but I didn’t think it would last too long.  I guess I’ll get up, drink my coffee, and try this whole parenting thing again in the morning.

For the rest of you, have a good weekend and remember-  No S-R-X, is Safe S-R-X!

besides you don't want to look like this