50 Shades of Blue (Ridge)

Ok so I buckled and purchased the book everyone is talking about, Fifty Shades of Grey. 

The curiosity just killed me.
I do enjoy a good romantic read.  
The problem…this is NOT a good romantic read, and I don’t think I can finish it.  
Not because of my morals and values, 
but because it’s stupid.   
Really!?! THIS is what all the women are going crazy for?  
Call me a book snob,
call me unimaginative, 
but I just wasn’t that impressed.  

Anna is a 21 year old virgin who signs a contract with a sex maniac.  (Forgive me if my heart doesn’t stop in romantic thrills.)  This author has made millions.  I can’t believe it’s so popular.  Seriously, now I KNOW I’m in the wrong business.  

Hey if EL James can do it, so can I! 

You know what hasn’t been done?   The southern version of 50 Shades.

Ok, you twisted my arm…I’ll do it.

50 Shades of Blue(Ridge) by Amanda Sechrist

Chapter 1

Bernita looked in the mirror one last time.  Her beehive just wouldn’t cooperate today.  

Dag nab Southern humidity!  

She sighed helplessly while looking at her roommate,Whiskers.   

Today Whiskers was prancing around the house with the latest style by Bernita… a cute little bow with curling ribbons.  

“I’m doing this all for you Whiskers”,Bernita whispered as she shakily looked down at the piece of paper labeled: CONTRACT- DO NOT READ, JUST SIGN YOU IDIOT. Only three more weeks and she would achieve her dream to be a certified Pet Groomer, but for now Bernita had bigger fish to fry. 

Today she was meeting privately with the enigmatic, handsome, leering,fantastical Mr. Freddy Pabst Blue, the owner of Blue Ridge Fleas- the largest Flea Market this side of the Blue Ridge Mountains.  Just thinking about what Freddy Blue had accomplished; all while looking cool and calm in his Blue hat, his patent Blue leather pants, his Blue belt buckle, and best of all his perfect, gleaming, slicked hair so black it looked blue… had her insides turning to mush.  

Bernita shook (rattled and rolled)  in anticipation of seeing him again, and she hoped he was packing his HUGE Carolina blue money clip!   

She found it so hard to be able to concentrate with him around.  Why, last week she nearly knocked over the table of antique civil war memorabilia when she saw him starring at her across the room!?! 

There was something about that glass eye that gave her the shivers. 

Quit thinking about him, Bernita told herself.  She forced herself to calm down and get dressed.  She only had a few minutes before Whiskers would need to be fed.  Bernita wanted to look special so she pulled on her favorite bedazzled t-shirt and her best pair of croc shoes- baby blue of course.  

She knew today would be the moment that would change her life forever.   Mr. Blue had told her he wanted her to sign the contract today.  He had been persistent about having her work for him.  

It wasn’t until he boiled her pet bunny that she knew he really, really wanted her.  Mr. Pabst Blue was sooooo romantic, especially when he would say “Let’s Get it On, Hot Buns”.   

Maybe she wasn't worldly, maybe her trailer park didn’t have WiFi which means she couldn't Google, sure she never had a boyfriend (although she did take that health class in sixth grade), and maybe Mr. Blue did have this weird place where he took all the VHS tapes called the ‘Blue Room of Doom'.  What the hey...Granny always said‘sun don't shine on the same dog's tail all the time’, so Bernita felt it was ok to sign the gosh darn contract.  

What’s the worst that could happen?  

Bernita was ready to become a woman, even if it did require electricity, rope, a scalpel, and some Crisco. 

This time there was no turning back and she was ready for love to take her to the top of the Blue Ridge Mountains!

What do you think?  Good stuff, right?!  

Don’t worry I won’t forget the small people on my way to the top!  

(I’m thinking Paula Deen can play Bernita when my script goes to theater.)